In Praise of Martial By LJ Trafford

Author's own pumpkin carving effort.

Alas the month of October has passed. October is a great month, it is the bridge between autumn and winter, the final resting point before the shops decide it’s Christmas and force the festival season down our throats until we surrender and start humming Slade’s Merry Christmas Everyone and having nightmares about undercooked/overcooked turkeys. There’s also this thing called Halloween at the end of October which bloggers feel compelled to write about.

My History Girls slot is pretty darn close to the 31st October but I’ll spare you the Halloween blog post because the Romans didn’t have Halloween. They did have ghosts and ghost stories and festivals connected to the dead but I am not going to make any tenuous links between anything they believed in and children dressed up as tiny Harry Potters escorted door to door collecting sweets.

No what I want to write about is #Classicstober ! #Classicstober as you’ll gather from the # is a Twitter, (or as it is now known X) event, it is a whole month dedicated to promoting ancient Greek and Roman history run by @GreekMythComix and @DrCoraBeth. Each day of October was dedicated to a different man or woman from antiquity offering up the opportunity for Classicists and enthusiasts alike to big them up for the education of the wider X audience. I was flattered to be asked to nominate an individual for the 24th October and as Pliny the Elder had already been nabbed I went for the poet Martial. Because I think he’s brilliant and by the end of this article you’ll think so too.

The Man

Author's own, heavily index stickered,  copy of The Epigrams by Martial.

Marcus Valerius Martialis was born probably in the late 30’s/maybe 40 CE or it could have been 41 CE and died possibly around 102/103/104 CE depending on what short bio you are reading on him. We certainly know he was alive during the 80s and 90s CE because he makes reference to Emperors Titus and Domitian and events under their reigns like the grand opening of the Colosseum in 80 CE. Yes really, Martial was there.

We also know that he was Spanish by birth, a Roman citizen who moved to the big city at some point in his life and attempted to make it big as a poet. Which he did. And that is about all we know about him. We could try to deduce his personality from his work but how much of that is truth and how much does he dish up to us simply because it makes a good gag? I like to think the latter because Martial as depicted by himself is not always a sympathetic character, in fact he’s often a bit of a git.

Why do I think Martial is brilliant? I’ll fess up and admit that a large part of his appeal is that he writes a form of poetry known as epigrams. An epigram according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is ‘concise poem dealing pointedly and often satirically with a single thought or event and often ending with an ingenious turn of thought.’
Sssh, don’t tell the Classics lot but I’m not a big fan of epic poetry as written by Homer and Virgil. Epic poetry is well epic, and that means long, very long. Epigrams are much shorter, deliciously so. Some of Martial’s epigrams are only two lines, such as this one: 

‘If from the baths you hear a round of applause, 

Maron’s prick is bound to be the cause.’ 8.88.

Which means you can happily digest Martial’s views on a wide variety of topics in the same number of lines that Homer dedicates to listing the ships that made up the Greek forces battling Troy.

So, yes my own lack of attention is a part of why I enjoy reading Martial but there are many other reasons too, such as his versatility as a poet. I have written three non-fiction books on ancient Rome: How to Survive in Ancient Rome which was a general introduction to the city in the year 95 CE, Sex and Sexuality in Ancient Rome an in-depth look at that topic and Ancient Rome’s Worst Emperors. Three very different books to which Martial was a key source for all. Let me explain.

Do as the Romans do.
When ancient Rome is portrayed in film or on TV there is a leaning towards certain topics and these topics generally are soldiers, gladiators and sexually depraved crazed Roman Emperors. None of which I disapprove of, I hardly could when I’ve personally contributed to it through my own books. However, Ancient Rome was brim full of people who weren’t soldiers – so didn’t have to worry about them pesky British tribes, nor gladiators – so no need to worry about an imminent and bloody death and who weren’t emperors – so didn’t live in luxury beyond our wildest imaginations. No, it was full of men like Martial whose concerns in life were let us saw charitably somewhat more trivial.

A great many of Martial’s epigrams are dedicated to dinner parties, such as not getting invited to one:

'Our dinner invitations are one-sided. When I ask you, you usually come, yet you never ask me. I shouldn't mind provided you asked nobody else. However you do. Neither one of us, Gallus, comes out blameless. [] I'm stupid & you're shameless.’ 3.27.

Then there’s the growing suspicion and paranoia about why he’s not on the party list, is it because he has not reduced himself to bribery?

‘How has it so suddenly come to pass, that, after so many pledges of affection on my part, and after the lapse of so many years, I, old friend as I am, am not included in your invitations. But I know the reason; I have not sent you a pound of refined silver, or a fine toga, or a warm cloak.’ 7.86

Or is it because his penis is too small?

‘You invite no one, Cotta except those whom you meet at the bath; and the bath alone supplies you with guests. I used to wonder why you had never asked me, Cotta I know now that my appearance in a state of nature was unpleasing in your eyes.’ 1.23

When he does secure an invitation he is not at all grateful and whisks off epigrams that are uncannily like the end of Come Dine with Me when that night's host is cruelly critiqued. '

Last night, Fabullus, I admit you gave your guests some exquisite perfume

 - but not one slice of meat.'. 3.12

'You drink the best yet serve us third-rate wine. I'd rather sniff your cup then swill from mine.'

Although to be fair to Martial some of the dinners he attends do sound absolutely dreadful.

‘The reason you ask us to dinner, Ligurinus, is no other than this, that you may recite your verses. I have just put off my shoes, when forthwith in comes an immense volume among the lettuces and sharp-sauce. Another is handed, while the first course is lingering on the table: then comes a third, before even the second course is served. During a fourth course you recite; and again during a fifth. Why, a boar, if so often placed upon table, is unsavoury. If you do not hand over your accursed poems to the mackerel-sellers, Ligurinus, you will soon dine alone.’3.50

The picture of Rome that Martial paints is one we don’t often get to see, a Rome of battling dinner party hosts, of an overcrowded city ‘Novius is so close a neighbour I could stand at my window and touch him with a hand’ 1.86, of gossips ‘Marius’ earhole smells. Does that surprise you Nestor? The scandal that you tells enough to make it fester’ 3.28 and bad hair ‘You’ve dyed your hair to mimic youth, Laetinus. Not so long ago you were a swan, now you’re a crow. You can’t fool everyone.’ 3.48

As you can tell Martial is delightfully candid and unafraid of causing offensive. This is as true when he tackles the subject of sex.


Martial on Sex
When I was researching my book Sex and Sexuality in Ancient Rome, I would stumble across references to certain Martial epigrams only to track them down and discover that there was no officially published English translation of them. When I finally managed to locate an English version I quickly realised why; because they are pure filth.

As an example I give you an extract from poem 11.21, translation courtesy of sententiae antiquae who you will find on X. Martial's issue is with Lydia's vagina which he finds too wide, he then proceeds to compare it with a series of other roomy objects.
Lydia is as wide as the ass of a bronze rider’s horse,
[] Or the old trousers of a British pauper,
Or the foul throat of a Revennian Pelican.
I am reputed to have fucked her in a salty fishpond.
I am not sure: I think I fucked the fishpond

It’s not often you read a poet complaining his girlfriends vagina is too big. But Martial is not done complaining about vaginas, oh no he’s also plagued by noisy ones.

'Galla, you have a fault which is not altogether trifling. Whenever I came to you and we were moved about with mingling groins, you were silent – but your vagina wasn’t. Oh, would that the gods would make you speak and it stay silent! I am offended by your vagina’s loquacity. 7.18

The poem continues with Martial wondering if sodomy with Galla would have been a better option. This does make it surprising that Martial alongside such filth also wrote poems for the Emperor Domitian. Like I said, Martial is versatile.



Poet to An Emperor
The Emperor Domitian ruled from 81-96 CE, 15 whole years which counts as a bloody long reign for a Roman emperor. In the 3rd century the average reign of an emperor was a measly 2.3 years. There’s not a lot you can do as a leader in 2.3 years but there’s plenty you can do in 15 years and Domitian did, including introducing new morality laws which were placed stricter penalties on things like divorce. That Martial should end up as a poet to an emperor who cared deeply about public morals borders on the staggering.

The Emperor Domitian. Claude, Buste Vatican, James Anderson, silver print.. Digital image courtesy of Getty’s Open Content Program

Well maybe not so surprising because it wasn’t as if Domitian turned to his nearest lackey and requested he bring forth that poet who wrote that thing he liked about women with noisy lady parts. Martial desired the emperor’s attention, he wanted to get his poetry in front of Domitian and he petitioned to do so through his work in a poem aimed directly at one of Domitian's chief lackies, his chamberlain Parthenius.

‘You know the times when our Jove is at ease, when he beams on us with his own benignant countenance, with which he is wont to refuse nothing to suppliants. You have no reason to fear that our request is extravagant; a book which is decorated with cedar and purple, and swells proudly with dark bosses, never makes too great or inconvenient demands. Yet do not put these compositions too forward; but hold them as if you were offering and contemplating nothing. If I know the votary of the nine sisters, he will of his own accord ask for the purple-covered book.’ 5.6

Parthenius helped out, perhaps buttered up by poems Martial wrote for him, including one for the Chamberlain’s son Burrus on the occasion of his birthday.

Sooooo what type of poetry did Martial, the author of a poem about his girlfriend’s noisy vagina and a friend’s bad hair dye write for the emperor? The answering is exactly what was required of him. Sucking up poetry of the highest order, and my god when Martial does suck up he really gets on board with it.

‘The Rhine now knows that you have arrived in your own city; for he too hears the acclamations of your people. Even the Sarmatian tribes, and the Danube, and the Getae, have been startled by the loudness of our recent exultations. While the prolonged expressions of joy in the sacred circus greeted you, no one perceived that the horses had started and run four times. 

No ruler, Caesar, has Rome ever so loved before, and she could not love you more, even were she to desire it. 8.11

 There is this one on the palace that Domitian had built on the Palatine Hill.

Smile, Caesar at the miraculous pyramids of Egyptian kings; let barbarian Memphis now be silent concerning her eastern monuments. 

How insignificant are the labours of Egypt compared to the Parrhasian palace! The god of day looks upon nothing in the whole world more splendid. 8.36

Domitian's palace on the Palatine. Photo By Scott Rowland

This is a radically different style of poetry to that which Martial had otherwise produced. There’s no gag at the end, no caustic put down. Martial’s poetry for Domitian has a saccharine punchline..

O ye gods, but such as are due to earth; since for so great a god as Caesar what prayers can be extravagant? 4.1

When you do not wear it, Caesar it may be called a breast-plate; when it sits upon your sacred breast, it will be an aegis. 7.1 

 An aegis being a shield that was carried by the gods Jupiter and Minerva

Caesar, the barbarian is as much delighted as awed. 7.5

Come on, it’s impressive. The art of praise, of positivity is something we play down in our society. We think the caustic and the sarcastic the product of a cleverer mind. That Martial can do both, be offensively sardonic and flamboyant praise is testament to his talent.
Talking about talent, could you produce a poem on the niche topic of the Emperor Domitian’s recently introduced anti castration legislation? No? Martial can.

'It used to be a common sport to violate the sacred rites of marriage; a common sport to mutilate innocent males. You now forbid both, Caesar and promote future generations, whom you desire to be born without illegitimacy. 

Henceforth, under your rule, there will be no such thing as a eunuch or an adulterer; while before, oh sad state of morals! the two were combined in one. 6.2

He’s brilliant, isn’t he?
And if you don’t agree with me I leave you with my all time favourite Martial poem which encompasses everything that is brilliant about him: it’s short, to the point, offending and funny.

‘You ask me what I get out of my country place, 

the profit gross or net, is never seeing your face.’ 2.38

LJ Trafford writes books about Ancient Rome. You can find some of them for sale here