The Naked Historical Novelist

by Caroline Lawrence

In the History Girls post below, H.M. Castor enthusiastically blogged about dressing up in Tudor costume – from smock to partlet – for the benefit of schoolchildren.

I say: "Don't do it, Harriet! Run, History Girl. Run!"

Many misadventures can occur when you are an historical author who dresses up in period costume for school events. This is a rod I have self-applied to my own back in order to better promote my Roman Mysteries series of historical adventures for kids. (Don't even ask about my demonstration of the Roman bottom-wiper. Talk about a self-applied rod!)

I remember one time at a posh independent school in Worcester. I had to change into my costume in almost pitch darkness on stage before assembly. There was nothing shielding me and my modesty from 400 kids except that heavy curtain. You can bet I was praying hard that the head teacher would not open it too soon.

And then there was that other time, at a Famous Literary Festival. For some reason they didn't have a room for me to change in, or a more important author was using it. And the ladies' room was miles away.

"Just change in here", they said. "The school won't arrive for at least half an hour." The school (a group of gum-chomping inner-city year 9s, forty years too old for my books) arrived three minutes later and caught me in medias res behind a pillar, frantically trying to get into my stola. Thankfully they were so busy chatting and texting that none of them even noticed the half-naked author crouching a few feet away. I felt like the famous statue of Venus from the British Museum (above). When I emerged, fully attired in my Roman regalia, they almost looked impressed.

And then there was the time I completely forgot my costume.  

photo by Claire Craig

I was doing an event in Newcastle in November, a thing I now try to avoid. (November, that is). Disaster struck when I realised that not only had I forgotten my costume, but I'd forgotten my back-up costume, too. Everything except my sandals and belt. And I couldn't very well go on wearing just those. D'oh! (As they never said in ancient Rome.)

Thankfully, one of the volunteers – a resourceful librarian named Ann Key – came to my rescue. As the driver, she had the option of taking a slight detour past her house on the way to the venue. Channelling Dirty Harry, she sped through the streets of a Newcastle suburb, screeched to halt in a very un-librarian-like manner, ran up the driveway, yanked a single topsheet out of her airing cupboard and rushed back to resume her position as driver.

As we drove on through the pouring rain, I rummaged around in my backpack and found one of those little sewing kits you get in hotels and – right then and there in the back of the car – I whipped up a stola. (You can see the recipe HERE). Thanks to a greasy Newcastle rain and four separate accidents (none serious) I actual finished before we arrived. Granted, creating a stola only entails sewing the two side edges together to make a long tube, but hey! I'm an author, not a seamstress. 

The next challenge was how to make my white-sheet-sewn-into-a-tube look like a Roman stola. Luckily I had brought an ethnic-looking necklace to wear with my normal clothes. And remember: I had my Roman belt and sandals. My then-publicity-manager, Rowan, generously loaned me her sparkly blue scarf. I put them all together and grasping my sponge-on-a-stick bottom-wiper (I told you not to ask) I was ready for anything. Even inner-city year 9s.

Still, the ever-present threat of potential costume malfunction is one of the reasons I am now writing The Western Mysteries. To promote those, all I really need to remember is my fringed buckskin jacket and cowboy hat, and if I forget those, it's not a huge tragedy. After all, I still have my plaid shirt, jeans and boots on underneath.

Now, if they would only let me carry a replica six-shooter instead of making me use my naked forefinger and thumb...

Caroline Lawrence's new Western Mysteries series launched in June 2011 with The Case of the Deadly Desperados. Check it out on her website: www.carolinelawrence.com She also blogs at Roman Mysteries & Western Mysteries and tweets promiscuously: @CarolineLawrenc (no E)
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